Giving and Receiving Feedback

I instructed graduate students in social work off and on for two decades. When I teach, I can use the first hour to introduce a common vocabulary and set expectations around giving and receiving feedback. Having a common vocabulary is a crucial step in reducing the discomfort that most people have with feedback. The students agree on how we will give and receive feedback, and then I encourage them to practice with each other and me. Being open to feedback, knowing how to thankfully and graciously accept it, and being savvy about evaluating the merit of the feedback, is a leadership as well as a life skill.

Because I teach graduate students, I also know how to back up what I say with social science research. I know that is tedious to include in a blog, so message me if you want my sources, but for now, just know that my suggestions are well-researched.

Research on Feedback

•       Experts in their field want to hear how they can improve, even if feedback is “negative”

•       People still mastering a skill want praise

•       The dilemma is that research shows that only praise (without critique) does not improve performance

How to Give Good Feedback

Think for a moment about the times you have been given feedback. You can identify things that worked well and other things that did not. Does your experience align with these guidelines?

•       Be specific

•       Be immediate, while the details are fresh

•       Tie feedback to goals

•       Ensure feedback is actionable

•       Use encouraging words like “and” or “what if”

•       Ask if the person prefers feedback in private and respect that

Feedback is useful when given in a trusting relationship, with care, intending to be helpful, and directly to the person. If you are talking about someone outside of their presence or not directly to them, it is not feedback, and it should not be mistaken as such. Saying negative things about someone is not constructive— it tears down trust and relationships. The result of well-delivered feedback is just the opposite.

Research on the Feedback Sandwich

Many of us have read about or been trained to do the “feedback sandwich” but it is not an effective way to give feedback. People do not hear the positive because they are bracing for the negative. Also, people only remember the first and last parts of the conversation, so your feedback gets lost.

Instead:

•       Remind people that you are giving them feedback because you have high expectations and are confident that they can reach them

•       Remind people that you have benefited from feedback before, so you are trying to pay it forward

•       Ask the person if they want the feedback before you start, “I noticed a couple of things and wondered if you’re interested in some feedback”

•       Tell them what you like about something they are doing and then say “I would like it even more if…”

Accepting Feedback: In the Moment

Accepting feedback can be particularly challenging. I do well with it unless I am upset about something else or tired. Here are tips for appreciating and maximizing the benefit you will get from the feedback you receive.

•       Listen

•       Resist the urge to prepare a response

•       If you are feeling defensive, pause before responding

•       Your pause can be temporary, or you can request to think about it and talk again later

•       It is OK to ask for examples and to take notes

•       Assume the feedback is constructive unless proven otherwise

•       Respect and thank the person giving you the feedback

•       Avoid getting angry, making excuses, or being disrespectful

If people do not ever give you feedback, maybe some self-reflection would be beneficial. Are you asking for feedback? Do you accept it gracefully? Do you make excuses or get angry? Is there something about your behavior that signals you are not open to hearing feedback?

Once you have received feedback, you must evaluate it. If you are not sure if you agree, spend time…

Reflecting on Feedback

•       Survey trusted friends to get their opinions

•       Decide if you want to make any changes based on the info you gathered

•       If so, create a plan to make changes

What are your strategies to give valuable feedback? Do you have ideas for accepting feedback? I would love to hear your thoughts!